HELPING CHILDREN THROUGH CHANGE

Change is an ever present part of life. Unfortunately, change can wreck havoc on our children, especially our little ones. For this reason, scientists have studied change's effects on kids to determine how we can best help them through difficult situations.

Dr. Bruce Perry is one such scientist. He is a professor of Child Psychiatry in the Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences at the Baylor College of Medicine in Houston, Texas. He also serves as Chief of Psychiatry at Texas Children's Hospital. His main study emphasis is how children develop and how trauma, loss, and change effect their development.

One of his latest papers discusses the results of death, divorce, and other events on children. Most parents find connecting with their kids during these times difficult at best.

Below Dr. Perry's lists symptoms of normal childhood grief:

denial
emotional numbing
anger, irritability, and episodic rage
fear and rushes of anxiety
confusion
difficulty sleeping
regressive behaviors (like bedwetting, baby talk, etc)
physical complaints such as "stomachaches" or headaches
changes in appetite (overeating or no interest in food)
temporary visual or auditory misperceptions of the loved one's image or voice

His tips for helping your kids include:

Talking about it -- "Children do not benefit from 'not thinking about it' or 'putting it out of their minds.'"

Share your own feelings and thoughts. "Be prepared to repeat the same information again and again."

Invite children to talk about feelings they have regarding the event or death.

During these conversations, try to understand what your children think about divorce or death.

Be a good role model. Show children how to express emotions in a healthy and non-disruptive fashion.

Help children understand how devastated a grieving classmate feels.

Tell children that teasing a grieving child is completely out-of-bounds.

To share your experiences regarding this topic, visit the Kids in Crisis online discussion group @ http://bbs.scholastic.com/kidsnc.asp.

You can read Dr. Perry's entire article "Death and Loss: Helping Children Manage Their Grief" at http://teacher.scholastic.com/professional/bruceperry/death_and_loss.htm

Dr. Jane's Comment:

With all of the school violence, natural disasters, stressed marriages, broken families, relocated homes, and aging grandparents, I figured it was a good time to write a grieving 101 article.

As I email some of you and look around my own neighborhood, it seems that times are getting tougher, not easier. We parents are increasingly fatigued from daily change. In our fatigue though, do we take time to be with our kids, to talk with them, to listen to them? Most of the time our kids are passengers through change. Rarely do we include them in the process, and this only increases their insecurity. It is no surprise then that our teachers are deluged with behavioral problems, and pediatricians with illnesses.

Thankfully, we are blessed with Dr. Perry's research that gives us insight into developing minds, and God's word which keeps us in touch with our Savior. Take some time to read Dr. Perry's article at the internet address given. You will be glad you did.

But don't stop there. When you pray ponder John 6:16-21. In the story, the disciples, like us, row in the dark against the winds of change. We start on a journey without asking if we should go. We work ourselves sweaty against the storms of life instead of FIRST seeking HIS wisdom. Then we notice Jesus is there wanting to help us, knowing always what we need.

What is our usual response to Jesus? Fear and uncertainty because we aren't sure what HE will do or if His motives are pure. Why do we mistrust our savior? We don't know Him. We have not spent regular time reading our Bible, or praying to know his words. "I will NEVER leave you or forsake you" (Deuteronomy 31:8, Joshua 1:5, Hebrews 13:5) He says. We need to read our Bibles to know that Jesus, who once in our "boat," takes us to His destination, and makes the journey bearable and meaningful.

Allow HIM to make your journey of grief and change bearable, by asking Jesus into your "boat."

"Be strong and of a good courage, fear not, nor be afraid of them: for the Lord your God, He it is that goes with you; He will not fail you, nor forsake you.

Deuteronomy 31:6

Until next month, may our Lord's love be with you,

Dr. Jane