PARENTING ADVICE FROM THE GREAT PHYSICIAN AND A PEDIATRICIAN

Discipline: The Nightmare Is Over

Volume 1, Issue 3 November/December/January 2000

I thought a lot about this issue. Why did I think a lot? There are hundreds of books on discipline -- discipline theories, styles, methods, age groups, and benefits. The last thing I want to do is add my writings to the list of "experts" and "alphabet soupers" who say anything from "whip early and often" to "discipline warps a child and should be avoided at all costs." Either extreme is damaging; we will decipher this in the newsletter. However, what do Christians do about discipline? Does it matter from where we get our advice? Is there a sane way to discipline?

Yes, it does matter. Jesus matters in discipline; He matters in all issues of our lives. In fact, as I sat trying to decide how to present discipline in a way that speaks to Christians, I sensed the Lord saying to me "finally my people are asking me what I have to say about my children. Why are my people asking the unrighteous (non-believers) how to raise righteous (believing) children? Don't they know I want to relieve their burdens?"

We Don't Need to Reinvent the wheel

What a shot in the arm. This verse has several truths that apply to Christian parents. First, in the world's disputes regarding discipline we shouldn't ask non-believing experts for answers because they know neither God, nor His ways. The spirit-filled parent should first seek the Lord about discipline through prayer and reading of the Word. Know His character and His discipline style. Then find balanced teachers that apply these principles in their books.

Why is it important to approach discipline this way? Throughout the Bible the Lord maintains a balance between justice and mercy. Many out there, though, take His words out of context or don't look at the original meanings in order to understand what He means. They'd rather say God is schizophrenic than understand His ways.

The sanity in our disciplining comes from the Lord. He has made us new creations (i.e. you don't have to parent like you were parented), He has given us His word full of advice, He has given us prayer for an intimate relationship, and He has given us His Spirit for wisdom, timing, and fruitfulness. It doesn't matter how you were disciplined. As a Christian parent you can start anew, learn from God the how to's, get healing for your hurt heart, and then discipline according to His plan for your child. The sanity in our disciplining comes from our mission as Christian parents.

Let me first clarify that I do not think our children are horses, but there are useful similarities between our children and unbroken colts.

Remember the "Horse Whisperer?" Handsome Robert Redford takes on the traumatized horse. By the end of the film the horse's willfulness is broken and his spirit is renewed. The beauty of whispering instead of whipping is seen when he considers the individuality and giftedness of the horse. The animal's uniqueness is not smashed with brutality, yet it learns that wild undisciplined ways are not acceptable. The other beautiful outcome from "whispering" is the animal's intended purpose is reached. In the movie, this purpose is the friendship of a girl, while other horses are used for showing, working, teaming, ranching, or racing.

What does this have to do with Christ-like discipline? Let's look at Proverbs 22:6 for the answer. "Train up your child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it." Many parents hang on to this as a promise, but in many ways it is an instruction. "Train up" in Hebrew is "chanak," literally to put something in mouth, like a bit into a horse's mouth. Further, "in the way" means "bent of" or temperament. So we are to train our children or "break" their willfulness much as one would break a horse, remembering to do so according to their temperament. There are general guidelines for "whispering" to children, but the actual application depends much upon your child's temperament.

When I first learned of chanak while studying my Bible, my whole outlook on discipline changed. I gained a clear sense of purpose. The drudgery of each day was not so painful. I accepted the fact that the process of "breaking" would take time instead of hoping it would soon be over, I expected conflicts instead of running from them, I knew then that my daily efforts were essential; I no longer wandered if discipline mattered, and most importantly I knew the ultimate "whisperer" -- the Lord. Suddenly I had all the answers.

So, now that we understand the style of discipline, how do we implement it? What does it look like day-to-day? First, you have to know what discipline means. Many of us think discipline means punishment. News flash -- punishment is only 1/4th of the meaning.

Discipline means 1, to train (there's our word again) or develop by instruction and exercise; 2 bring under control, 3 to impose order, 4 to punish. So let's put the punishment = discipline argument to rest. Three quarters of your discipline is directing your child in the right direction. Only one fourth of it involves punishment for wrong doings. The debate about whether discipline is needed is mute. If you do any of the first three, you are already a disciplinarian and didn't know it.

Suddenly the chaos of discipline has order for many of you. You have a four prong approach to disciplining your child. Let's look at part one -- training and developing by instruction and exercise. This should be largest part of your discipline. The do's and don'ts of life. "Yes Ma'me," "No sir" type instruction, but also don't neglect the 10 commandments, Proverbs, and Jesus' teachings. Remember Heritage Builders has fun, easy ways to put God's word into their hearts, regardless of age.

The keys to instruction of children of any age are repetition, consistency, positive feedback, and low stress. When teaching your children what is appropriate and what's not, use these four keys. Repetition is important to learning new skills whether it is learning to ride a bike, clean a room, or driving a car. Feedback is also important. Without it a child does not know what to keep or discard. When researchers looked at how to improve literacy, for example, they found that children who read with a mentor who gave them verbal and visual praise learned to read faster and better. The visual praise was a row of lights that represented points for good reading. These added up to rewards. The feedback was immediate, and positive for a job well done, and the learning took place quicker. Combine this with low stress, like making fun out of a chore, and the lesson will be taught quicker. No more "for the 100th time, Joey do it this way!"

Part of the "breaking" process in the Horse Whisperer involved daily exercise. Exercise is the counterpart to instruction because it is the realization of what you have taught. Table 1 lists the ways you "exercise" discipline. Let me elaborate briefly on table I. Don't forget about Biblical routines in your home routines, like bible reading, solitude prayer, bedtime prayers, and memory verses.

If you have a difficult time modeling self-control, make it an urgent prayer request to God. If the "walk" we are teaching is not life-changing, our children will chuck it as mythology, "sounds nice but doesn't work." Especially with teenagers. They are looking for something real. If they see you more controlled, peaceful, ordered, and joyful as a result of knowing Jesus, when the storms come raging they will remember your lessons.

While instructing your children, don't forget to teach them what you expect. This is a biggie. You may have a clear idea what is a clean room and your child has quite another. You see a defiant, lazy child, s/he is just confused. In medicine, we have a saying "see one, do one, teach one." Depending upon the age of your child, it may be see 20, do one, see 10 more, do one more. Remember the part of their brains that controls sequencing, ordering, and judgements isn't developed until AFTER teenage years (some people up to 40 years old!). So cut them slack in the beginning and tighten that slack depending upon the development of your child. A big help is writing things down either symbolically for pre-readers (sticker or picture chart) or on lists for older kids, have family meetings to check in on their understanding of expectations, show them what you mean (i.e. like closing a door quietly instead of yelling "don't slam the door"). Continue to raise the bar as they mature. Remember how Jesus worked with His disciples -- progressive expectations tempered with mercy.

"Behold, I set before you this day a blessing and a curse" (Deuteronomy 11:26); we are all given choices. The critical lesson to teach in giving choices is the choice of life, of God. Have your child exercise choices, then link their decisions back to scripture -- the reward of obedience -- it pleases God, not just mom and dad. His blessings from obedience go on for several verses starting in Deuteronomy 11:13 to the end of the chapter. They include good health, abundance, length of days, disposing of enemies, and His presence. Let them role play what it feels like to be on both sides of the scales, take them to places where poor decisions are obvious (downtown, homeless shelters, ER waiting rooms).

Importantly, when they go in the correct direction reward and praise. Give them more of you -- the undistracted you, child or teenager directed events (within reason), more liberty, more trust, but still continue accountability.

Lastly, appropriate consequences. We have all heard "a punishment fitting of the crime." Well, also consider a punishment fitting the child. This gets us into temperament, which I will cover later in the newsletter. For instance, a child who "mouths off" to an adult is displaying a lack of respect. This should be pointed out to him/her, then s/he should have to clean that person's car, or if more humiliating write an apology and give it in person. You decide based on your child's makeup which s/he would dislike more and therefore learn from the most. Accepting their consequences should push them out of their comfort zone while teaching them the principle they violated.

Table II lists types of appropriate consequences based on the principle broken. If you don't feel comfortable "going there" consider what adults look like who didn't learn about appropriate consequences. They are the drunk drivers who say "I don't care what the laws are, I am driving anyway," or embezzlers who say "no one will miss a few bills from the till," they are spouses who rationalize "a little flirt won't hurt anything." Consequences matter and you can begin teaching them as young as 15 to 24 months. Two year olds have their favorite activities and toys. Losing them for a few minutes after breaking an age appropriate rule (i.e no biting or hitting) will get them going in the right direction.

Be careful when taking away privileges that you don't make the punishment too long. If you forget your child is grounded, chances are they have too along with the reason for the grounding. Take away a privilege for less time and add a new responsibility for longer. This especially works for low energy, highly adaptable kids. They will hold up in their rooms after losing every privilege known, but ask them to go wash Mrs. Smith's windows... punishment fitting the child. Corporal punishment is also useful here. Please refer to the corporal punishment article for more info though. Don't forget to institute consequences the same way you instruct (repetitive, consistent, timely feedback, controlled).

Parts two and three of discipline -- bringing under control and imposing order -- are similar so we will cover them together. As with an unbroken horse, control and order are not inborn qualities. They must first be imposed externally, then maintained internally. One of the most difficult, yet important areas we need to control and order is the tongue. The bible has over 170 verses on this topic. Solomon, too, had many sayings; the most convincing being Proverbs 18:21 "death and life are in the power of the tongue: and those that love it shall eat its fruit." And again in Proverbs 21:23 "whoever keeps his mouth and his tongue keeps his soul from troubles."

We need to convey to our children our mouths are a gift from God, so watch what you say. Isaiah 50:4 "the Lord God has given me the tongue of the learned, that I should know how to speak a word in season to him that is weary." Explain your rationale behind the control and order of the mouth. Speak to their hearts, by having a relationship with them or you will create Pharisees (rules without relationship leads to rebellion as well put by Josh McDowell). Matthew 15:8 "this people draw near to me with their mouth, and honor me with their lips; but their heart is far from me." Beware creating order and imposing control without a balance of love and mercy with your kids. Think of how willing you were to follow Jesus when first converted because of the relationship with Him, because of His great love for you, then translate that relationship to your kids. If they love and respect you because they know you, they will be less likely to rebel against your rules. There are many other areas to control and order. The goal is not perfection, but order, and there are many good books in this area.

If you have been astute, you have noticed punishment topics sprinkled throughout the article. This is the way the 1/4 th works. It is sprinkled about as needed to reinforce principles. Again refer to the "spanky" article for the "low-down."

Getting back to the end of our movie … Robert Redford has temporarily hobbled the untamable horse with a rope tied to the saddle. It is difficult for him to walk; his rebellion flares again and he kicks wildly about. As the girl who owns him eagerly watches, she sees Robert Redford pull her horse to the ground, tears fill her eyes, the audience cries too, and thinks "how cruel." But then something great happens. The horse reaches the end of willfulness, the end of himself. He relents his futile rebellion, accepts that he needs a "savior" of sorts, and submits to external authority of those who love him. Upon rising, he is ordered, controlled, calm, purposeful, and beautiful.

Why do we cry when this scene happens? Because, we see a part of us. On a spiritual level, this horse breaking by whispering is exactly what the Lord does with us. He takes us to the end of our willfulness, our selfness. We realize that we can not live this life, follow its rules, remain ordered/controlled, and teachable by ourselves. We need help. Then we call upon Him. As we rise from the ground we are a new creation, His beautiful creation ready to do the job He made us to do. These are tears of pain followed by joy, tears of disappointment and relief.

When your child reaches the end of her/himself, REJOICE! Agree with them when they say "I can't do it, I can't keep all these rules and standards!" Say "you're right, you can't, but He can, and we need Him." Tell them "ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE WITH GOD." When this happens, thank God that He made you a "whisperer" and not a "whipper," and lead your child to Christ. v

"Be ANGRY and Do Not SIN"

Many misguided parenting books mistakenly counsel parents to discipline unemotionally. What a mistake. We have been created emotional beings, we are going to react to our children. They are going to bring us joy, tears, sorrow, and yes ANGER. Trying to discipline unemotionally is like trying to burn wood without smoke. Emotions are a natural consequence of being human. Emotions are God's gift to us. But like so many of our gifts, we do not always use them according to God's plan. Anger is not the problem; it is what we do with our anger that is.

In Ephesians 4:26 Paul says "be angry and do not sin." This is a great verse for parents because we spend so many of our days being angry -- angry at the kids, their friends, ourselves, the world, etc. If anger were a disease, it would be an epidemic. But Paul suggests that we should do one, but not the other. Many of us were taught that anger is a sin, but here it is in scripture "be angry and do not sin, do not let the sun go down on your wrath, nor give place to the devil." There is a difference between righteous anger and sinful acts that come out of unchecked wrath. Anger does not have to lead to sin. Most importantly, we must not sin in our anger or else give the devil a foothold in our homes.

Most of these sins are obvious, but let me point out a few. Anger unchecked can lead to rage, bitterness, evil words, abusive actions, and murder. Many of us have experienced parents that couldn't control their anger and sinned in such ways. The result of sins from uncontrolled anger not only gives the devil a foothold in the present, but also in the future. When we witness uncontrolled anger a seed is planted that grows a weed that only the Holy Spirit can uproot. Note: as a Christian you can not say "I yell at my kids because my dad yelled at me." This may be true, but once you believe in Jesus you are a "new creation." The closet of painful childhood and life experiences must be opened and Jesus must be invited inside. I tell you there is no horror, no pain, no scar, no agony that He can not heal. How do I know this? Bingo, it's in HIS word. Psalm 147:3 "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." If you don't believe Him at His word, ask Him to make this verse real to you. You will not be disappointed. I can tell you from personal experience too that healing from anger is real and possible. Then you too will be able to say "let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice" (Ephesians 4:31). Remember you are ridding yourself and your children of the devil's foothold.

 

Once you allow the Holy Spirit to heal you of sinning in your anger, take time to reflect and find out what triggers your anger while disciplining. Consider the following list:

So how do we deal with this anger? First, invite Jesus into that dark closet of anger. Second, ask for a "teachable spirit" to allow Him to clean out this room in your Christ-like parenting home. Third, deal with it appropriately. Table III shows the wrong way to deal with anger. Fourth, know why you are angry, be specific. Christ was angry at the money exchangers and said so specifically in the temple. Fifth, evaluate the situation. Do you understand it correctly, does your child know exactly what was expected of him/her, can s/he live up to the goal given, is fatigue/hunger playing a part in this event?

If you got mad before getting all the facts, apologize "oops I goophed, sorry, can you forgive me?" You teach more biblical truths by saying you're sorry, than memorizing verses. Remember it is about the relationship, Christ to ours and ours to our children. Fifth, tell others that you are angry with your words. Be careful though, to "let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers" Ephesians 4:29. Repeat this verse if need be before you talk, make it your prayer. Then lastly, find a solution to the problem. Something made you angry, a conflict arose, so find the solution -- not a fix. Many solutions lie in just hearing from your children. How do they feel, what's going on with them, do they need you to listen and not rage? If they are small you usually will fix the problem, but as they get older even at two years old they can roughly say what is on their minds. Of course a teenager's discourse will be much clearer. Do as the Lord does with us. He hears us, He understands us, then He disciplines and corrects us.

Lastly, if this is your stumbling block may I suggest that, next to your salvation, this should be one of your greatest prayer requests. Your anger prevents you from disciplining as the Lord disciplines us, it keeps you from a relationship with God and with your family, and it plants a seed of rebellion for the devil to nourish in your child. Don't let the sun go down on your anger. Go, talk to the Lord. Ask Him to make peace and control more real to you than your anger. v

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