PARENTING ADVICE FROM THE GREAT PHYSICIAN AND A PEDIATRICIAN

Reconciliation: Restoring Friendships

Volume 2, Issue 1 February/March/April 2001

 Personal Greeting from the Editor

If you look up reconciliation in my second favorite book, Webster's dictionary (my favorite being the Bible), you will find it means "restoring a friendship." This restoration is what Jesus is all about. He restores relationships; first God's relationship with us through Him and then our relationship with others. After our relationship with God, our relationship with our family is crucial. In fact, there are whole specialties, books, and sooth sayers devoted to restoring family relationships. We all know how influential these relationships can be for good or bad. Many of you can testify to the years of confusion that destructive family members can produce. On the other hand, those of you who have had healthy relationships can also testify to their lifelong benefits.

But I know this is a touchy subject -- reconciliation -- because it introduces the concept of forgiveness. Now some of you are saying "oh great, now she is going to tell me I have to forgive my dad or mom." No, I am not going to demand that you do anything. In this issue, my goal is to provide you with information. Information like what happens to our families when we don't restore relationships (can you say delinquency), how our kids view forgiveness, why people seek it, and how we can forgive others. I'll provide you with plenty of good reasons, and not a lot of guilt trips. Just my usual dose of conviction, that's all.

So now you may be saying "why should I read this issue, I have no problems in this area?" Well God bless you and God has blessed you if you find this topic foreign. Unfortunately though, forgiveness and restoration is a lesson neglected by us "Christian" parents. We put on a good veneer, but we lack the substance behind the faith to make it real. When our kids "scratch" the surface, and they will scratch that surface, we need to know how to model restoration and forgiveness or else we have left out the Christ in Christ-like parenting.

Our Troubles Are Not So Far Away

A humorous title to a sad situation. What happens when the past is not far away, but right in your face? What happens if reconciliation does not occur, if friendships are not restored? If you are a kid an unreconciled life can look like rebellion, painful acting out, and frustrated anger. What happens if there is no release for this pain? Well, delinquency is the most common option. The most notable being runaways. In a paper published in Adolescence, Fall 1998, researchers studied 26 runaway teens in New England. They stated that "teenaged runaways left home in search of freedom from what they considered abusive treatment, whether physical, sexual, or emotional. Running away was found to be "last resort" behavior-teenagers' accounts yielded evidence that they struggled with the decision to run away. Nor was running away necessarily an irreparable break with family; many youths expressed the desire for reconciliation (Schaffner).

Some important and surprising facts came out of this article. First the teens perceived wrongs. Second, they left families as a "last resort," and thirdly, many wanted reconciliation. Granted runaways are extreme examples of unreconciled relationships, but we all can learn something from this paper.

First, the children considered themselves wronged. Obvious point, but to many families it is not. Sometimes we hurt our kid's feelings without knowing it. Unless we take the time to ask them "is there anything I have done to hurt you lately?" we could be missing the seed of rebellion being planted in our children's hearts. Ask that question on a regular basis whether your kids are 2 or 22. You will be surprised at what you find out. Most importantly, when they tell you what specifically hurt them don't make excuses, or try to minimize the hurt. Your intentions do not matter. What does matter is that you ask for forgiveness for wronging your kid. After you've reconciled, then you can discuss what rule they broke or wrong they've committed. Their hurts usually stem from our parenting styles, not from our correcting their wrongs. In your older kids (4 and up), try to find out how you can reach the same ends with different means, like instead of yelling, simply removing privileges that will be sorely missed.

For instance, Dr. James Dobson, president of Focus on the Family, recalled during a broadcast that when he asked his then near teen daughter if he had hurt her in the past, she said she was still hurt over a "time out" that occurred at three years old. She duly required the punishment, but the way it was administered still hurt her years later. She did not like that her father held her door closed while she was in time-out and it produced a lot of hurt and fear. This hurt and fear troubled her years later, until Dobson asked for forgiveness. This is a minor infraction, but you can see now what pain a child carries with him or her for years. Imagine how great it would be after a hitting or name calling incident.

The next point to reflect on from this article is that kids leave, either physically or emotionally, as a last resort. They are not jumping out of our families because they want to leave. They leave because it is their solution. Let's present them with another option, like being heard and understood. Don't get me wrong, you do not need to accommodate every demand of your child's whim; however, you do need to listen and find common ground. Here is some food for thought. A study looked at teen delinquency self-reporting and found that it was related to either the absence or presence of positive family communication (Adolescence, Spring 1997).

If you are dealing with behavioral issues, like oppositional defiance and ADD, you need professional help, from God and man. Seek God first to ask Him where the real problems lie. Again, you will be surprised at what you hear. Take some time to be quiet with Him. This means making time. I literally get up an hour before my family wakens, grab my Bible, and go into my closet. I shut the door, sit on the floor, read, and then pray. It is amazing what has happened in my little closet when I am quiet and listen to the Lord. I don't like getting up earlier, but I can not live without the insight He gives me about my family. Give it a try. Be honest, be simple, but be there, remembering HE is omniscient and omnipotent. He can handle your problems.

You may not have previously thought that talking to God about your kids and getting inside their heads was a way to hear them, but it is. We must first know them in order to accurately hear them. Only when we have accurately heard them will we then understand them. When they realize that they have been understood, then the doors can be opened to reconciliation.

This brings me to the last point of the article. Many of us adults see rebellious angry teens as just that -- angry rebellious teens. But many times the anger and rebellion is a shield that protects a wounded heart. We need to get through our kid's outer layer of anger and rebellion in order to reach the hurt that lies within. A first step in reconciliation is the desire for one or both sides to get through this shield. Well, this paper tells us that indeed, this desire lives in many teens. True, the sample size is small, but the teen society confirms this paper.

Of course you know I am joking about the book, but I am not joking when it comes to not forgiving someone; it leads to a lot of mishap and pain. At least in the book, most of the characters have their eyes closed so they don't see what is coming next. So why are we so unforgiving? When did forgiveness go from being a gift from God, God's advantage in the world's playing field, to a four letter word that means defeat?

The answer lies in two places. The enemy and the world. The enemy's greatest victory was to deceive us that forgiveness is useless, or worse yet, that you lose everything and gain nothing by doing it. By convincing us of this lie Satan has helped us close the door on one of God's greatest healing tools. And let's not forget the world's part in this. Most entertainment these days has the heroes/heroines hold on to their pain until they can blast or litigate their enemy out of existence. If people are seen as forgiving, they are displayed as weak individuals who lose everything. Consider the "Patriot." Did your heart beat for Mel Gibson when he was trying to make peace not war in the beginning of the movie? Or were you really jazzed when at last when he speared the man that had murdered his son? We like justice, but the movie industry goes too far and gets us hooked on revenge.

But let's get back to the author of forgiveness -- God. If forgiveness were not such a powerful thing why would Jesus have wasted one of His last breaths saying "forgive them father for they do not know what they do," Luke 23:34? Why then was the core of His messages on forgiveness, reconciliation, and brokenness? His purpose for leaving heaven and coming to us on earth as a man was to pay the price for our disobedience (i.e. sin) and restore our relationship with God. Forgiveness must be a powerful tool for all this effort. And remember, He daily forgave people for being unfaithful, evil, and blasphemous. He chose forgiveness every time for our sake and for His. I say "and for His" because a forgiver gains as well as gives through forgiveness. Jesus knew this intimately because He had a lot to forgive, and that is why He spent so much time telling us about the forgiveness factor. Without it there is no reconciliation, no restoration.

This topic is huge and thankfully the Lord has given me yet another acrostic in order to make this vast topic finite (see figure 1). Believe me, only He could do that with such a topic.

Let's start with F, for forgotten painful memories. In the psalms, the Lord says our forgiven sins are forgotten as far as the East is from the West Psalm 103:12. And we being imitators of Christ should imitate this part of forgiveness, but you know what, we can't. We can't induce amnesia, but the Lord can. Once we have chosen to forgive, the Lord will allow those painful memories to slip away. It is a gift of sanity. Now does this mean He makes you forget that a pedophile is a pedophile? No! And you will not find yourself asking Ted Bundy over for dinner. What does happen though, is the Lord erases trauma from your mind through the process of healing your heart. This is a gift to be sure. But this is the beginning of mental healing, for as these memories fade, the Lord place thoughts of His love and purposes in their place. He does not leave a void.

The next letter is O, for obedient heart. The Lord knows we are not given to submission naturally, so when you decide to forgive purely out of resignation of will, He gives you an obedient heart to ensure the task will be done. This, too, is a blessing because once in the midst of forgiving, the enemy whispers lies in an attempt to derail you. You may proceed through some of the steps simply out of obedience and faith in His goodness. Without this gift we would surely fail, thereby missing the rest of the gift.

 R is one of my favorites, standing for restored heart. Another great Dr. Seus book is "Horton Hatches an Egg." My favorite line is "I said what I meant and I meant what I said, an elephant is faithful, 100%." Through the process of forgiveness the Lord is faithful to restore your heart 100%. "He heals the brokenhearted, and binds up their wounds," Psalm 147:3 are words you can live by. There is a catch though. This healing comes after you release your enemies to God. Only then does the Holy Spirit come to mend you. God covers healing throughout the Bible, but in Exodus this process of releasing bitterness to God and then being restored is made clear to us.

The Israelites come to the waters of Mar'ah, but they find no relief because the waters are bitter. It is not until the Lord provides a healing tree (the tree of life, Jesus Christ) that the waters are made sweet and the people are restored by drinking it. This is forgiveness Christ's way. "For I am the Lord who heals you," Exodus 15:26. Our obedience to His path of forgiveness is key to our renewal.

Next letter, G, is God's peace. Note, it is not the world's peace which is bought for a price one day and is then out-dated tomorrow. This is God's peace which can not be changed by our changing world. John 14:27 says "peace I leave with you, my peace I give to you: not as the world gives, do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid." Jesus had peace in every situation and in every place and He gives that peace to us. How did He get such peace? Well, He knew the Father AND He stayed in contact with Him at all times. One of the reasons He could maintain such good contact was His peaceful mind. If a person is troubled with anger, pain, and resentment from a hurt, then it is impossible to hear God's calming voice saying, "I will never leave you nor forsake you." In short, Jesus' peace remained because He continually decided to forgive His enemies --the flip-side, continual peace from the Father. That deserves an "amen" or at least a "cool."

Identity is something we all search for and this brings us to our next letter I. God's identity. As Christians, our identity should come from Christ. This is difficult at best to maintain, though. One reason for this difficulty is unforgiven people. When we harbor painful events and anger-inducing people in our minds, we can not see what image He wants us to become. Of course that image is Christ Jesus, but we lose sight of Him. Sadly, our enemies are closer to hearts than He is. We have a "good" reason though. It is called fear. Fear of losing control, fear of losing revenge, fear of giving our enemy any more ground. But these are not fears a Christian should have. We need to read our Bibles to get to know who God really is. He wants you to lose control, so that He has it. He can then show you where best to go, what doors need opening, which doors need to stay closed. He too, is the one to take revenge. "To me belongs vengeance, and recompense, their foot shall slide in due time: for the day of their calamity is at hand, and the things that shall come upon them make haste," Deuteronomy 32:35. And again in verse 43 "rejoice, O you nations, with His people: for He will avenge the blood of His servants, and will render vengeance to His adversaries, and will be merciful unto His land, and to His people. So go ahead and put on the image of Christ, let fear fade away because your God is on your side, and revenge is more than taken care of, wouldn't you say?

Vision, for V, everyone is talking about it and few have it, but God's people all need it. He has a vision for all of our lives that fits into His eternal plan. Best yet, this vision is your ideal life. But, when we refuse to forgive someone, we keep them in focus, and the Lord's plan out. However, if we release someone to God through forgiveness, we allow Him to do all of the previously mentioned healing. As this healing takes place, our vision becomes clear. When His vision becomes clear, we lead His ideal life. Do you see how messed up the enemy can keep you, if he can convince you not to forgive an individual? You may miss your whole purpose in life if you listen to him and not the Lord.

For me, ministering to hurting families was His vision for me. So what stood in my way of this dream? Childhood molestation. I was attacked in my preschool and early school-age years by a trusted individual of my family. If you look closely at pictures around the time of the abuse, you can see the heartbreaking transformation that took place. I went from a spirited little girl to a depressed being. I remembered the abuse in my college years because my subconscious kept it from my conscious mind until I could handle it. That started a new roller-coaster of memories, uncontrollable flash-backs that reckoned me to a war veteran. Yet over the years, the Lord asked me to forgive this man. In fact, minutes after remembering the abuse, I recall very clearly the Lord asking me to forgive him. Oh, how cruel, how cold I thought our God was. Now I think of all the years of torment that would have stopped if I had simply obeyed. "I do so like green eggs and ham! Thank you! Thank you, Sam-I-Am!"

  Finally, I chose to forgive and it has been nothing short of supernatural. There were times though, that all I could hang on to was "Lord I believe, help my unbelief," Mark 9:24 because I could not reason how my forgiving this man would help me. Oh how wrong I have been! I have since experienced everything that I am writing about forgiveness. Everything. As the healing has proceeded, the vision has gotten clearer. And so here I am folks, pleading God's case for forgiveness. Let me tell you I have not experienced such distractions, illnesses, and defamations since the Lord purposed in my heart to write on this topic. The enemy is attacking, so I know I am on the right path. Otherwise he wouldn't bother with me. He doesn't want you to hear that our loving God has a solution to this matter, which is at the heart of our hurting families.

Ok, we must go on or else this article will become a book. Next letter, E, is for everyone is invited. Some of us harbor sins we've committed out of the pain from unresolved hurts. Oh, this life is complicated, isn't it. Sometimes we think our own sins are too great for us to be able to ask God for relief. "He won't hear me," we think. If you want to forgive someone and you want God's help doing it, He will be there. Then, He will help you make amends for your wrong-doings. It is a win-win situation. There are earthly consequences, though, from our mistakes that can not be "fixed" with an apology. Some people are not ready to forgive us, so we must wait and pray and watch for the opportunity to be Christ-like to this unforgiving person. For we, like them, were once hard of heart.

Another stumper is our next letter, N, nothing is impossible for God. We picture in our minds that the wrong committed against us is too great to be forgiven. Yes, according to us many sins are too great to be forgiven. Like the extermination camps of WWII, or Jeffery Daumer's idea of a snack. But remember forgiving these atrocities does not excuse them. Forgiveness places the forgiven in God's hands, not yours, and allows the forgiver to heal from the atrocity.

To add insult to injury, after I forgave my abuser of known insults, the unknown became conscious. I remembered that my attacker would suffocate me nearly to the point of asphyxia to break my will and spirit. I was always plagued by guilt as to why I did not run to my parents. Why didn't I run to my strapping Marine Corps father to avenge my honor? The answer was death threats, and the memory came after I chose to forgive. But there is beauty in this memory. Once the Lord brought it to mind, I knew my reason for years of silence, and I was then free from its bondage. I had to again chose to forgive and heal from this, but afterwards I realized that a memory that previously would have made me either homicidal or suicidal, now handled in Christ's hands, brought about growth and healing. And all because of forgiveness.

Now we are in the home stretch. E is for energy. As the Lord heals you of pain, confusion, and depression, you'll find you have a lot more energy for life. Life becomes enjoyable. No, you will not feel like singing every day "the hills are alive" with Julie Andrews, but you will have reason to live because you now have vision, peace, identity, restoration, etc. It is nothing short of a miracle because your outer life may not change for a time. You will have the same demands, responsibilities, and chores, but suddenly you will have more than enough energy to accomplish them. Energy is definitely a gift in the forgiveness package.

Sanctification is the first S at the end of our word. Basically it is a fancy word for God's advantage, meaning after you believe in Jesus Christ, He comes in and breaks sin's and temptation's power over you. How do you get this with forgiveness? You can not proceed down the path of Christ-like forgiveness without accepting Christ. When you accept Christ you receive forgiveness of sins via Him paying the debt (i.e. salvation). When you receive salvation you become sanctified (i.e. free from sin's power over you). When you are free from sin's power, you can decide to forgive your offenders. See? In all seriousness, this is the most important part of accepting God's type of forgiveness because this decision leads to eternal life. I can't quite conceptualize eternal life, but I know it will be much longer and much better than my few years of abuse. Keeping this in perspective I can forgive my offender, because he faces an eternity away from God while I face an eternity with God. I can pray for this man's soul because his end will be much worse than my beginning.

The final letter S stands for saved. Saved from anger's web of revenge and self-destruction. Remember "Green Eggs and Ham?" Well, remember all the messes the main character got into because of his anger? Anger really is a key component of unforgiveness. The question is whether that anger will be expressed externally or internally. Men more commonly use the external method of physical force and verbal aggression. Women typically use the internal method of self-abuse. We do so with foods, drugs, depression, and over exercise. Nowadays these lines are blurred because we have emasculated our boys and virilized our girls, but the general rule still holds true. Needless to say we need out of anger's tangled web. This out comes mostly from sanctification and restoration of our heart, but we need to consciously realize in this area that we are free. Anger does so much damage to our families and it need not be that way.

The Bible says "be angry and do not sin, meditate within your heart on your bed and be still, offer the sacrifices of righteousness and put your trust. Some of our anger is from unrecognized pain and some of it is from a lack of trust in God's love and character. We feel life is shorting us, like in the case of misunderstanding forgiveness, but God has much better things in mind if we would just listen to Him. Get to know His real character and you will not be disappointed.

 Forgiveness: Child's Play?

Several studies have looked at children's concept of forgiveness as a means to reconciliation. In one study second and 5th grade students saw a series of child actors portray an event of property damage. "Actors who had a good reputation or were remorseful were seen as more likable, as having better motives, as doing the damage unintentionally, as more sorry and as less blameworthy. Further, actors who were good and remorseful were punished least, suggesting that punishment was applied in a rehabilitative fashion" (British Journal of Social Psychology, 1989).

This information is not ground breaking, but it does bring home the point that even young children crave the justice of wrongs being righted and granted forgiveness on those who are truly remorseful. We parents are not perfect beings, we are going to make mistakes with our children. The key to a lasting relationship with them is reconciliation after the mistakes -- at all ages. Note what the researchers said, "apologies were effective in reducing punishment and making the actor seem more likable."

Forgiveness makes a person likable. This is a good lesson for our children to learn for future friendships and it is a good lesson for parents to learn when establishing or restoring friendships with their kids. Let's look at older kids and their perceptions of forgiveness. A study looked at teens and college students who had a major insult in their lives and how they approached resolution in real life. They found that the more a teen and young adult understood the concept of forgiveness the more likely it was used in every day life. This is an important point. The more your teen knows about forgiveness, the more likely he/she is to use it in everyday life. Our court systems are full of kids who have learned just the opposite.

In this study they also recognized stages in forgiveness development. Starting with simple models in younger kids and going up to more sophisticated uses in older children. Young children frequently confuse forgiveness with revenge. They will forgive when they have been compensated by their offender (revengeful forgiveness). Teens on the other hand tend to forgive under social and family pressure, not out of personal beliefs (external forgiveness). Not until late adolescence and early adulthood do our children grasp unconditional forgiveness based on agape motives (internal forgiveness). This development follows a child's thought patterns going from concrete in youth to abstract by late teens. The point is to understand your child's limitations and continue teaching and modeling real forgiveness. Hopefully you have gotten to internal forgiveness as well.

Be careful what you read when looking for resources on forgiveness. The world would teach us that even in "internal forgiveness" we have a change of heart towards our offender before we forgive. As in "Interpersonal Forgiving in Close Relationships." The author incorrectly states that the "relationship between receiving an apology from and forgiving one's offender is a function of increased empathy for the offender and that forgiving is uniquely related to conciliatory behavior and avoidance behavior toward the offending partner." Not so. It would be nice to develop empathy first for our offenders; however, when someone close to you hurts you deeply, your forgiveness will initially be based upon obedience to God, not warm fuzzy feelings. If you wait for the right feeling, it may never come. Chose forgiveness and teach your children about forgiveness based on wisdom from God's word, not the impressions of mankind, and especially not based on emotions.

 Resources and Reading

Adolescence 1998 Fall;33(131):619-27

Adolescence 1997 Spring;32(125):81-92

Gerontologist 1999 Apr;39(2):133-9

Acta Psychiatr Scand 1998 Dec;98(6):467-73

J Adolescence 1997 Aug;20(4):393-402

J Pers Soc Psychol 1997 Aug;73(2):321-36

Br J Soc Psychol 1989 Dec;28 ( Pt 4):353-64

J Adolescence 1989 Mar;12(1):95-110

Am J Psychiatry 157:1375-1378, September 2000

NKJV Women's Study Bible

What the Bible is About Electronic Bible

Dr. Seus, Green Eggs and Ham

Dr. Seus, Horton Hears a Who

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