The "blueprint" I speak of comes from Deuteronomy 6: 4-9

And if we didn't get the message the first time He neatly repeats it in Deuteronomy 11:18-21 word for word. At the end of this passage, He adds a reward for obedience, "that your days and the days of your children may be multiplied in the land of which the Lord swore to your fathers to give them, like the days of the heavens above the earth." And later states that no enemy shall defeat them, even nations greater than they. Imagine all that just by being obedient to God, as outlined in the scriptures!

Third, pass it on to your kids, diligently. Key word -- diligently. Don't let this word escape you. Diligence means "persevering application, speed, haste, to esteem, to love, steady, earnest, and energetic application and effort." (Webster's Dictionary). Wow, this one blew my socks off. We may have a desire to do it God's way, but He even wants us to do in a specific pattern. As with all things though, this type of diligence can not be accomplished without prayer. It is through prayer that we discover His specific will and purpose for the year, month, and day. This God given purpose then motivates us to "do it" His way. The remaining part of this scripture then describes what diligence looks like.

This can be a tiring, overwhelming assignment, but it is a goal for us to strive towards nevertheless. If we are doing steps one and two, then three will be possible. Frequently in my experience, "Christian" parents try step three alone while neglecting steps 1 & 2. They of course get tired, and give up on three. Some of these folks will then go back to 1 & 2, but for a few, they give up on the whole kit-and-caboodle, like the rich man in the gospels. All too frequently, God gets the blame for the "failure" in parenting. The great part about God though is He is always a God of second to infinity chances. If families turn their hearts to Him in honesty, He honors that. It is never too late with God, unless of course you aren't exchanging oxygen and carbon dioxide (i.e. breathing). I read in an excerpt from Paul Hegstrom's book Angry Men and the Women Who Love Them that he and his family (including 2 children) were divorced after domestic violence tore them apart. After Paul loved the Lord with all his heart, soul, mind, and strength, the Lord reunited his family after 7 years.

Another wonderful truth about God is He uses if-then statements. If we do steps 1,2,3 then comes the blessed rewards of obedience, multiplying of our family's days, living where God wants us to be spiritually -- not just surviving,-- and removal of fear regarding events we can not control.

So now we have the "blueprint." What sort of foundation do we build, and how deep do we dig it. God's parenting foundation look like and is Jesus. Unless we build on Him, we build in vain like psalm 127:1 says. Sounds nice, but how do we do it.

 

 

 

We start by desiring to model ourselves, and therefore our parenting, after Him. Many things are true of Jesus, but four qualities make up His foundation: 1. He strove to do the father's will, 2. He did as His father instructed, 3. He realized the father was always with Him, and 4. He understood His obedience pleased His father. We must pray that these four principles would be our foundation, and then begin to build upon this. Is it that easy? Yes, but the qualities we are praying for may be hard to swallow.

If we pray for this it means we have to give up our will in ALL circumstances, do as the Lord instructs in His word, accept God's omnipresence & omniscience (i.e. sovereignty), and realize our obedience is our sweetest "gift" to God. These topics have filled books all over the world, and I encourage you to dwell on this foundation longer than we will in this article. Although I don't write much on it now, without Jesus as your foundation your home will fall like a house of cards. Remember Luke 6:49, " But he that hears, and does not, is like a man that built a house without a foundation upon the earth; against which the stream beat vehemently, and immediately it fell; and the ruin of that house was great." Our desire is all He needs to move us in the right direction. If all you can say is "Lord help me to do these four things" you will be launched, and your "building permit" will be granted.

That foundation looks good. How about putting up some 2X4s and framing this puppy? How do you frame a Christ-like house? With discipling of course. Using Jesus as the model this includes behavioral discipline, scriptural discipling, spiritual disciplines, and character development. I wish we had time to go into all of these in depth, but they will have to wait for future issues (November incidentally is all about developmentally & scripturally appropriate discipline).

Above is a table of areas upon which to focus. Choose your battles. A word about the first two items. Respect and obedience are key areas that our children, and we, need to control to be successful adults and believers. If you don't obey your parents, or other authority, how can you obey the unseen God? However, we parents use anger and dictatorship too often to "achieve" these goals. Dr. James Dobson says in his book Solid Answers that parents rely too much on the emotion of anger to make their children obey the rules. He states that we need to be more like the calm, collected, but albeit formidable policeman. He strikes fear in our heart because we know the punishment will be swift, predictable, and fair, yet disturbing. If you use anger to enforce the rules of your home, I recommend you try one of his books Solid Answers or Dare to Discipline. For further discipline issues read the discipline issue.

Table two contains spiritual disciplines and scriptural discipling. On of the best ways our children can learn these from us is to see us doing them with praise on our lips. Consider as well what type of learning style your child has. Does your child like to do activities to learn (kinetic), watch them (visual), listen to a description, or perhaps a combination of these three? Try to teach your child using her/his best learning style. If you don't know much on learning styles check out Every Child Can Succeed by Cynthia Tobias.

Another way to teach your children biblical principles and verses is to teach them in their environment, not yours. Plan a topic for the day or week and think up ways to insert it into everyday events. Be ready to take advantage of a spontaneous moment too. If you are not very creative or are too tired to think, take a look at Heritage Builders resources. This is the latest parenting ministry from Focus on the Family with quality teaching and ideas for parents (see resource list). One such resource is their Family Night Tool Chest books. There are 6 such books covering basic Christian principles, life skills, money matters, Holiday nights, Christian Character, and an introduction book. Each book is full of fun, easy, low budget ideas to powerfully convey Biblical Christian principles to your children at their level.

Also try repeating what your children's Sunday school teachers are doing. One such idea we did. We took a cake pan full of water and sprinkled pepper on the top. The water is the world, the pepper are evil words. Then we bring in Mr. Green (a bottle of dish soap with a tie on him). I used a boy because I have boys, but you could just as easily use a woman. I continued, "Mr. Green uses nice words to talk to people. Now look what happens to the evil in the world when he talks." Place one drop of soap (let your kids do it) in the water and all the pepper immediately washes to the sides. "This is what happens when one person says something nice, it spreads." This was quick and easy, but it left a powerful impression on my boys. If you have teens the Heritage books have age adjustments for them too, so it's never too late to start.

Character development -- what a pickle these days. Table 3 lists most traits that we think of. Table 4 lists the traits that Jesus added to the list. We must not forget these qualities, for a child that has all of list 3, but lacks mercy and forgiveness is a clanging bell. The best way to teach these again are through modeling, and having your children begin practicing them at an early age. How early? As soon as they are born. Within hours of being born, babies can recognize their parents faces. They are watching you. From your responses to situations, they will begin to learn, and later mimic your poise, and order (or lack of it). Depending upon your responses to their need, they

Reconciliation is the next area. A house is not a home until it has electricity. The same is true for your Christ-like parenting home; without the electricity of the triune God pulsing through it, it is spiritually dead. Without it you and your children can not understand the principles that guide a Christian's heart toward loving one's enemies, forgiving sinners, and submitting to our savior. We must help them "plug in," but only they can flip the switch.

There are four areas we can use to make this possible. First, we can point out that everyone sins and describe what that is (hint: 10 commandments, good starting place). Second, we can then point them to Jesus and their need for forgiveness when they do bad things (i.e. sin). Their worst behavior day could be your best evangelistic day! Third, when ready we can lead them to Christ. There are who/her in the sinner's prayer! However, you may need to accept that it may not be you that leads the sinner's prayer, but don't neglect the signs (see table 5).

Fourth, model repentance and praise for forgiven sins. Ask your child for forgiveness when you sin against him or her (i.e. for inappropriate discipline), then pray in front of them asking for God's forgiveness and strength to not do it again. This will build a bridge to your kids and to Jesus that will warm your heart. Plan to talk about these questions at regular intervals with your kids, like when you're going on a walk, reading a book, or building a Lego tower. The more you talk about it in casual conversation, the easier it will be for your children to ask those important questions which challenge faith. They don't ask them maliciously; they ask these questions to work out in their minds what the truth is, and to see if we can help them understand it. If they ask you a stumper, don't get frustrated, go to your Bible. If still stumped say "I don't know Sally, but lets call pastor XYZ and find out." They will respect you for your honesty and help, not your Biblical savvy.

 

As we all know in these times, we can not live without modern plumbing. For the Romans it was lead solder, and for us it is E. Coli contamination that threatens our clean water supply. For plumbing is to a home as encouragement is to the Christ-like heart it keeps your heart clean and dispenses with bitterness.

Case in point, Thomas. Thomas needed a lot of reassurance. Perhaps you have a child like this. I suspect Thomas had a difficult temperament (not easily adaptable, not easy to approach, moody, intense, and persistent). But Jesus uses difficult people to accomplish His purposes, just look at Paul (how would you have liked being his mother?). Jesus took the time to reassure Thomas that He was indeed real and that His character did not change. Remember Thomas' response to such indisputable reassurance? "My Lord and my God!" (John 20:28). Your words too have the power to lift up or destroy your children. Proverbs 12:25 says "heaviness in the heart of man makes it stoop: but a good word makes it glad." Do you take the extra effort to meet your kids' needs with reassuring words?

We too can encourage our children in four ways. We can give them specific verses to hang on to while away from home. Proverbs 25:11says "a word correctly spoken is like apples of gold in pictures of silver." Two, we can encourage them to discover their God given talents. Psalm 17:4 says "by the word of your lips I have kept me from the paths of the destroyer." Their talents used for good can accomplish a Sistine Chapel, Christ-like parenting, or E=MC2. Third, we can encourage them to find their God given purpose in life. Consider psalm 119:105. " Your word is a lamp to my feet, and a light to my path." Are your words a lamp to your children's feet and do you light their path in life. The Lord has placed our children on earth for a specific reason. It is our duty to direct them to that path. Lastly, we can encourage them in a hard season. Proverbs 15:23 states "a man has joy by the answer of his mouth: and a word spoken in due season, how good is it!"

Well our home is nearly done. But where would we be without windows and walls? The elements could get in to rot our frame, short our wiring, and rust our pipes. Nurturing provides light and support at the same time like a wall with a large picture window. Jesus revealed His desire to nurture best when He said He wanted to gather Jerusalem as a hen gathers her chicks (Matthew 23:37). Here is the all mighty, the alpha and omega, wanting to gather His children, as a chicken her offspring. The best explanation of the support and light of nurturing I have found is in the Heritage Builders A.R.O.M.A acrostic, especially since I am partial to acrostics (see table 6).

Since we are basing our parental model on Jesus, let's look at how He accomplished this acrostic. First, He knew the value of touch. He often held children during his teaching and touched those He healed even though He could have healed them by just thinking of it. Touch heals the heart as it does the body.

A study performed looked at massage therapy for premature infants, anorexics, and depressed patients. Inwardly, all three groups had improved serotonin production and reduced stress hormones. Outwardly, the premies grew faster with fewer medical complications, the anorexics had an improved body image, and the depressed patients had a better attitude on life (Tiffany Reid PhD, Massage Therapy More Than Just Laying on of Hands, Contemporary Pediatrics, May, 1999). All from simple touch.

Do you give your child affirming touches? Dr. Ledbetter and Kurt Brunner in The Heritage describe a secret love handshake that a daddy has with his daughter at ball games. A certain series of squeezes asks "Do you love me?" Another series of squeezes in reply says "yes!" How about a hug, shoulder rub, a nap together after a busy day, or cuddle on the couch while reading a good book. There are of course respectful, appropriate boundaries you do not violate, but healthy touches do a lot for the soul. Proverbs 17:22 "a merry heart does good like medicine, but a broken spirit dries the bones."

Secondly, He respected His followers. Particularly their limitations. When His disciples had little faith and questioned His authority after seeing many miracles (second feeding of 4000 people, case in point). He did not rant and rave. He appreciated the limitations of their faith and did not ridicule them. Do you respect your child's boundaries and self-autonomy? Do you give them permission to be the immature children they are, at times?

Third He always had a sense of order about His work. When feeding the 5000 and the 4000, the first item of business was to have everyone sit down. Why, because He is a God of order, not chaos. Psalm 119:133 "order my steps in thy word: and let not any evil have dominion over me." Do you have a sense of order, not perfection, but order in your home? Do items have a place and return there each evening after play? Do your children help maintain this order, or do you run yourself ragged doing everything for everyone?

Allow your children even little ones, to help with everyday cleaning, and sorting. Somewhere during the past few decades, we decided children did not need to help at home. Parents, usually mommies, do everything nowadays. No way! How will they learn to maintain order in their own home if not now? Children also learn to sort colors with laundry, appreciate heavy vs light with dishes, and know the difference between dirty and clean doing bathrooms.

Jesus also imposed order because He knew people did not find true rest unless there was order first. After order, comes rest. For when your life is ordered, then you have time for rest, really. But it needs to be a priority or it will be ruled out by the urgent nonessentials of life. Remember Jesus took His 12 into the back country after their first mission trip, even though the throngs followed. It is His desire that we rest at times. See Kings 8:56, "blessed be the Lord, that has given rest to his people Israel, according to all that he promised: there has not failed one word of all his good promise, which he promised by the hand of Moses his servant."

Fourth, He recognized celebrations, or merriment. Remember the wedding in Canaan, and His trips to Jerusalem to recognize every feast. It is important to mark the passage of time with celebrations and parties, to give thanks to God for all His goodness and abundance.

Celebration is biblical; (1 Kings 8:66) "on the eighth day he sent the people away: and they blessed the king, and went into their tents joyful and glad of heart for all the goodness that the Lord had done for David his servant, and for Israel his people." Are birthdays something that you tolerate or do you truly thank the Lord for the gift of life? Do you thank God for your spouse on anniversaries? Is Christmas a time of celebrating the King's birth or an excuse to indulge MasterCard? Between holidays create your own traditions. Let's Make a Memory by Shirley Dobson and Gloria Gaither is a superb book on how to do this easily and lightly. Remember "so teach us to number our days, that we may apply our hearts to wisdom" (Psalm 90:12).

Fifth, He affirmed the role of the unaffirmed in society. It didn't matter if you were a leper, Samaritan, or tax collector. You mattered to Jesus. Do your child's uneventful days slip by you unnoticed? Do you mark their "little" achievements? Do you praise them for honesty in the small things or a job well done when no one else notices? If your child upholds a virtue that you have been trying to instill, don't let it get lost in the hustle of the day. Even as infants they need a lot of affirmation. Recent research shows children develop a sense of self within the first year, and empathetic emotions by 16-24 months, much earlier than once believed. Ever notice how a room with a crying infant will become a room of crying infants? Researchers believe this represents an inborn empathetic response to another's pain.

Interestingly, if the infants hear silence or a synthetic cry, they don't cry (Early Emotional Development, J&J). As they mature, this response to another's pain is enhanced. Like the toddler that pulls her mommy over to a crying child. If we do not affirm this response, we send the message that another's pain and concerns do not matter. We can therefore blunt our child's sense of self and empathy unless we acknowledge these little ones range of emotions. You don't have to wallow in their emotions, just recognize them, and then help them solve the problem or situation that created the emotion. Or help them celebrate a happy emotion.

So now your Christ-like parenting home is built. This may be a painful process depending on the condition of the "soil" of your heart. I strongly encourage you, if this stirred some old emotions or raised new challenges, to discuss them with you pastor or drop me an email. Most importantly, don't give up. The enemy would like to steal away your heritage. In The Heritage, there are three self-tests that look at your social, emotional, and spiritual legacies. I encourage you to take these, so you do not pass on your pain to your children. Certainly take your pain and frustration to the Lord, in honesty. Remember, He wants your truth not your stubbornness